This letter came to me as I was sitting at a light just a few blocks away from home. In just a few moments would be walking into my kitchen to be greeted by the same pile of dirty dishes that was left there hours ago. I would be met by a group of unruly kids that passed the morning with the t.v. as the babysitter while I was at my appointment. I would handle it all because, what choice have you left me really? I will wash those dishes, I will get those kids in order all while you sleep peacefully in the next room.
Being the way that I am I begun to analyze your behaviour, what makes you the way you are? What is the root of this immense sense of entitlement you have? Well dearest Mother in law this is where you come in to the story.
I get it I really do, in the machismo culture you come from. A young Mom you were, you gave birth to a (first born) son. There was a surprise pregnancy, a shot gun wedding and a few months later my husband was born. You have fulfilled the coveted destiny all young women of your stature can only dream of fulfilling. But how you adored your son, worshiping him at almost a Godlike status has so royally screwed him up forever. Why? Because he has come to expect that treatment from everyone.
There is this story my husband loves to tell and I equally enjoy telling it though our motives are so completely different. When he tells it he is discreetly implying the standard to which I'm held. When I tell it to friends I tell it with the full intention of seeing them spit out their coffee and saying "Are you kidding me", purely for entertainment purposes.
So here it goes, Ladies and Gentlemen pay close attention because this is how narcissists are made.
When my husband flies home to visit his family he's met with such royal treatment a king himself would be envious. His mother so eager to display her worship and love for her son does everything in her power to make him feel pampered at all times.
When he visits her day begins at the crack of dawn where she'll begin her tedious work. She'll begin by cooking him a glorious breakfast buffet. Complete with freshly squeezed orange juice, fresh baked bread, omelettes, coffee made from freshly roasted beans, cheesey biscuits the works. She'll wake him up around 10 or 11 so to enjoy the fruits of her labor. Then he'll go back to sleep, you know being worshipped is so exhausting.
Immediately my dear mother in law gets back to work on her homage by preparing the lunch buffet. Barbecued beef, freshly blended sauces, rice with melted cheese on top, boiled potatoes and yucca, fresh salad from the garden all crafted to perfection. She'll wake the the sleeping prince around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. So by now he's up for the day and after eating he goes on to do whatever it is that royals do all day. My dear mother in law will then get to work on her dinner buffet. It goes on like this every. Single. Day.
Talk about impossible standards right?
I completely understand wanting your child to feel loved and special all those wonderful things. I don't even condone her adoration for him. The problems lies in when he returns home from La-La land and expects that same worship and adoration from me. Nope nope so much nope.
There is no better snap back into reality than when he sleeps all morning and upon awakening immediately demands that I make him breakfast. I then coldly place a bowl on the table pour cereal and a glass of milk next to it. "There you go honey enjoy" You should see the look of shock on his face!
I also wholly understand a wife willing to cook, clean and take care of the household for her partner. But we must remember there is a world of difference from doing things because you want to and doing things because you are obligated. The results are different too I think.
So this letter is just a big fat thank you to my Mother in law. Thank you for worshiping him like a God. Thank you for never holding him accountable for his actions. Thank you for not making him responsible for anything and thank you for doing every single thing for him- all because you loved him right? What resulted is a thirty something manbaby that can barely wipe his own ass. And he is my problem......for the moment.
Can we all just parent our sons with the root of it being that this son, this beautiful young man will be someone's spouse one day? That this will be someone's father one day? I think with that in mind we could create better human beings and less narcissists. A win-win for the entire planet.
